After a devastating end to a relationship and 5 years of date after date ending in disappointment, I’d forgotten what being in a relationship was like. That’s how long I’d been single. It was almost easier that way because if you can’t remember it then you can’t miss it. I wondered if this was what it felt like when you met “your person”. It felt like all the things I’d been waiting on had arrived. When you’re on the brink of leaving a relationship lots of people will tell you the story of how they met their person 2 weeks or 2 months or a year later and then they lived happily ever after…that’s what is supposed to happen…your story is supposed to be redeemed….and mine wasn’t…it was a story waiting on redemption.
The weeks that followed felt like a dream that was filled with endless phone calls and a countdown until he planned to come back to see me again. He came to town as promised and we spent most of Saturday together and Sunday brunch. On Sunday after we met for brunch, he left to return back home. A few hours later I went on a run and during that run my brother called me. I can’t remember whether his phone call came while I was on the phone with my brother or if it was while I was running but either way I had to call him back. I called him back and I could tell by the tone of his voice this wasn’t a good phone call. I remember it started with, “I don’t know how to tell you this…”
My immediate thought as those words came out of his mouth was he was breaking up with me but instead words came out that I could never have imagined…he was calling to tell me his mother passed away unexpectedly. I personally haven’t lost a parent for which I am lucky but one day it’ll happen and it’s one of my biggest fears. I imagine it’s an event that serves as a marker as a before and after in life. He drove all the way back home to get clothes and things he needed and then the next day turned back around and drove 9 hours to his hometown.
…that’s what is supposed to happen…your story is supposed to be redeemed….and mine wasn’t…it was a story waiting on redemption.
This event set off a chain reaction of events far outside our control and far beyond just the grief of losing a parent. We made it work regardless. The first three weeks after that he was serving as a caretaker until they could figure out a better solution. He asked one of his siblings if they could cover for him for one night during this stint. We met in one of my favorite college towns. He bought us tickets to a band I’d never heard of and it was one of the most magical shows I’ve ever been to. I left after the show to drive back home as Easter was the following morning. I left probably around 11pm or later and had hours to drive home. Before I even made it to the interstate, we were on the phone and he remained on the phone with me until I arrived safely home. Another green flag guys who care about your safety.
He would make that 14 hour round trip drive weekend after weekend. He showed up for me. We would spend hours on the phone. He would drive miles upon miles. He would move mountains to be able to spend time with me. He was juggling extraordinary circumstances…you know the saying if he wanted to he would? He would…he would when his parent passed away, he would when that meant he had to take on caretaking for a family member for a few weeks, he would when he had to drive 18 hours roundtrip to see his kids, he would when he owned a whole other business on top of his regular job that was hours away, he would when he had a demanding full-time job, he would drive 14 hours in a weekend to see me. He would have all the hard conversations and when I brought up something small like it feels like I’m getting lost and shifted down the list of all the many things competing for your time…he told me the next night was reserved for me and he showed up with 3 bouquets of flowers from the grocery store…and he said I couldn’t decide which one you’d like so I bought them all. He just would…no matter what it was. When I would bring up that I was appreciative of the effort he made for simple things like spending a day riding bikes with me and going to wine shops…he told me he was really sorry to burst my bubble but that was the minimum that a man should be doing for me.
I’m proud that we both recognized we were reaching the point where we had to let this go and in the most mature and grown up of ways…we parted ways.
We had the most open, honest communication about everything and that’s how we were able to navigate all the circumstances outside our control and 7 hours of distance one way for the many months that we did. And it’s also why it had to end. I normally am someone who tries at all costs to save relationships…historically I always stay in relationships 6-12 months longer than I should. I continue to try to revive a dead horse when I should have walked away so many times before and that’s why I couldn’t this time. I’m proud of us. I’m proud that we recognized when the odds were just too against us. When timing was not in our favor. I’m proud that we both recognized we were reaching the point where we had to let this go and in the most mature and grown up of ways…we parted ways.
I felt like I had achieved a level of wisdom in life to know when it was time to call it…it is one of the hardest things I’ve done but one of the most necessary things and a sign of growth. In the past I betrayed myself far too many times staying when I knew I should go…that this time I knew no matter how hard it was…I couldn’t walk that road again. It was heart-wrenching and soul-crushing. I knew better. I grew better. I am thankful.
This year didn’t end like I expected or like I wanted it to. It felt like just as quickly and surprisingly as I met him….I just as quickly had to say goodbye. I dated exactly what I believed I deserved…someone who made me believe that love is still out there for me.
You date who you think you deserve and you deserve the world.
XOXO,
Molly