Usually I try to use pictures that coincide with the timeline of this story. I don’t have any but a selfie and I hate a selfie. This photo is from some of the first solo adventures I went on. I distinctly remember someone asking “Are you by yourself?” as they took pictures of each group of people on the tour for the Dallas Cowboy’s stadium. This picture is outside in the parking lot before I headed inside. I have no idea who took this picture…a stranger passing by no doubt…because I was indeed by myself.
People will tell you the first year is the hardest…I’d have to disagree. The first year is when it’s easy to believe that such a bad thing happened because a better thing is on its way. It’s the stories people always tell you about right around the corner something good was waiting. The second year is when your hope dies a little and your enthusiasm waivers and it’s when you realize this is a marathon not a sprint..it’s when doubt starts creeping in.
I have to admit at this point or possibly all the way back in the fall…I’ve fallen in love with Boston and while I like the guy with the poison ivy….I think I love the possibility of Boston more. I think subconsciously the idea of Boston is in the background of this story. Falling in love with someone who lives here means I’ll never make it to Boston….so just know I’m just not all in on meeting someone but I’m not self-aware enough to realize this. As discussed before, I don’t tend to fall hard for things but when I love something….I really, really love it. I’ve used this line before but I’ll use it again…I fell in love with Boston exactly like one falls in love with a person. It was a moment on a street in Bunker Hill and I’ve never been able to stop thinking about it since.
January rolls around and he comes back into town. I start to get into doing things on my own. At first doing things on your own feels weird or maybe embarrassing because you’ll always get the question “Are you by yourself?”. If you want a picture taken, you have to ask a stranger. It feels like you stick out at first….until you embrace it and it feels like a very strong, bold statement. I am independent and I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I’m not dependent on finding a plus one or waiting on someone’s schedule. I’m not limited by the idea that I need to find my person in order to live my life. That’s another lie people tell you and if you live like that you’ll be waiting forever instead of living the life you have.
It’s shortly after this…I decided I really like him which is a bit terrifying.
So during this era of time, I want to go to a college basketball game out of town, on a weeknight and I can’t think of a soul who would want to go so I decide I’m just going to go. I ask him if he wants to meet me halfway and go to the game…he has to finish work and then might show up. I go to the game by myself and by the time he’s ready to come I tell him he should just meet me for drinks after. We go to my favorite hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant in that town. There’s barely anyone in there and we sit down at a table. We talk and we laugh for hours. Once again he makes an excuse to pay and we head to the parking lot where we talk and laugh for a very long time so long that a very intoxicated man who’s leaving yells at us telling us to come inside for a drink. It is afterall January and freezing outside. The man keeps yelling things across the parking lot because we’ve been standing out there so long and it gets really awkward so he quickly gives me a hug goodbye and we leave. I leave unsure of whether we are friends or this is a date…again.
I am given basketball tickets again to a different game but the same team that he had the poison ivy for. I ask him if he wants to drive up on a weeknight to go to the game with me. Now I know I’m an idiot but through this all I’m not really sure what’s going on….I’m still in the camp of trying to decide if we are friends or we are dating this time around. We go to the basketball game and I have probably the most severe panic attack I’ve ever had but I still don’t even realize that’s what is happening to me. We sit down for the game and within a few minutes I start feeling sick. I try to hide that I’m not feeling well and eventually I can’t hide it anymore and I tell him. He offers for us to leave but I was so looking forward to this and he’s driven over an hour to see me one way. I try to stick it out.
He was so sweet and kind and took me out to a nice restaurant after. He thought eating a real meal instead of snacks at the game would make me feel better. He makes an excuse to pay again. He is kind and caring and it is obvious that he cares about me and this is a date. I think this night is when I really fell for him. He’s a lot older than me, he’s smart and quick-witted and very athletic…he feels safe but fun and the conversation is endless. He constantly teaches me random facts about everything…he feels cultured and interesting…like someone I’m very intrigued by or fascinated by or curious about. It’s shortly after this…I decided I really like him which is a bit terrifying.