This is part of a series. You can read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4 at the links.
There’s a guy who is working in town for a company M-Th every week and lives 1.5 hours away. We’ve matched before but he’s never asked me on a date. We match again. I’m in town getting my hair done. He asks me on a date immediately upon matching. I go to my sister’s and go through her closet to find something appropriate for this spur of the moment date. I can even remember the outfit…it was a cute, short, bouncy, blue dress with western boots. It was a really great date outfit. He keeps pushing back the time because he wants to work out etc. etc. We finally go to meet up. I’m at the restaurant sitting at a table. I see the last people I would ever want to see me be stood up on a date walk in. I’m sitting at the table for 15 minutes. No communication from him. I almost get up to leave and he walks in. We eat dinner. We go afterwards to a bar and we leave late. I have a weird work schedule so I can stay out late like this on weeknights but the streets are sparse and I’ve parked in the same confusing parking garage. I call my mom as a safety measure because he just leaves me on the street and I walk to my car alone in the dark in a parking garage by myself with no one around after midnight. I chalk it up to a lack of Southern manners and I go home.
He tries to hit me up several times after, very last minute and I really am busy so I suggest that we plan ahead so we can line up our schedules. I’m met with an explosion of anger and a scathing text about how he didn’t like me anyways. I screenshot the text and send it to a guy friend and ask him if I said something wrong. He tells me I’ve dodge a bullet and I just leave it and move on. I head into my twelfth date of the year and I leave straight from there for a Christmas party. This is our first date and he knows I’m going to a Christmas party right after. I put my phone in my purse when I get there and when I go to leave I have multiple texts from him including a rude text about how I’m not answering his texts. He continues pushing the issue on top of some prior things that gave me bad vibes so I end it.
And then what do I do…I do the thing I told you that I did and a lot of people I know do…we say to ourselves…there’s no one else out there…and we promptly pick up our phone and text someone who doesn’t really like us that much.
And then what do I do…I do the thing I told you that I did and a lot of people I know do…we say to ourselves…there’s no one else out there…and we promptly pick up our phone and text someone who doesn’t really like us that much. I text the guy with the poison ivy. We start texting again. He’s going home for the holidays and he won’t be back until a week or two into January.
We are coming up on almost a year of singleness at this point. I threw myself into working out, I completed a sprint triathlon, I got selected for a leadership conference in Memphis, I traveled to 15 cities, I took my first solo travel adventures in Texas, I did 100 days of no dating, I read 23 books, I listened to 33 Singles Series sermons, I did 100 day devotional, I journaled, I went on a bachelor party and I deleted and redownloaded dating apps at least 3 times, I put myself out there and I went on 12 dates. I learned a whole lot this year and I was on a hell of a self betterment kick…but if you look really hard you’ll see I was so intent on bettering myself because I thought that I was unloveable. I thought that there was something wrong with me and if I just made myself better then people would love me.
But do you know what I am proud of…I’m proud that I put myself back out there. I’m proud that I still believed in love after getting really burned in my last relationship. I’m proud that I was brave and strong. I’m proud that I carried the pain and the sadness with grace. I’m proud i didn’t give up.
I didn’t have strong boundaries, I wasn’t confident,even though I physically was the fittest/prettiest I’ve ever been…I’d never been more insecure, I was afraid to take up space, I was always blaming myself and I let people treat me poorly. I didn’t cut people off as quick and fast as I should have. I wish I was more confident. I wish I communicated more directly instead of having such a fear of rejection. I wish I took more agency in these situations. I wish I wasn’t so focused on whether the guys I dated liked me and was more focused on whether I thought they’d be a good partner.
But do you know what I am proud of…I’m proud that I put myself back out there. I’m proud that I still believed in love after getting really burned in my last relationship. I’m proud that I was brave and strong. I’m proud that I carried the pain and the sadness with grace. I’m proud i didn’t give up.
****The End of Year 1****