I was born and raised in the South. I grew up in a Southern Baptist Church. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that being single at almost 34 would be part of my story. My mom got married at 20 after dating my dad for 3 years. Her best friend got married even younger. My best friend’s mom she got married at 22. One intern at our church got engaged in college. The second intern at our church also got engaged in college. The third intern at our church got engaged in grad school. This sounds crazy but I just didn’t know anyone who didn’t go to college, meet their person and then get married. That’s how the story goes. That’s what everyone did…I don’t think I even knew there was another path. 

I was never a girl who dreamed about her wedding day or knew what color her bridesmaid’s dresses would be. I’m not the girl who had her kids’ names picked out before I even met my husband. But I always had a rough plan in my head, I always wanted to get married and then have 5 solid years to travel with my husband and live the fun newlywed life until we decided to have children in our late twenties. When I started having long-term boyfriends I would start to think about what I wanted for my wedding and the house we would live in. I would think about the china I would register for (read Kate Spade New York Charlotte Street East Blue) and all the things I would put on that registry. I would start taking note at other people’s weddings of all the things I liked and would want for my wedding and all the things that I wouldn’t want for my wedding. I would think about what I would want to do for a bachelorette party and who I would pick as my bridesmaids and my Pinterest Board would be full of engagement rings I liked and wedding dresses and cakes and all the things because you needed to be prepared for “when you get engaged”.

My twenties were filled with bridal showers and bachelorette parties and weddings and baby showers. Literally everyone is getting married in the South in their 20’s. It’s a cultural thing. It’s the question everyone asks you if you’re a girl. If you’re dating anyone and if so, when you’ll get married. The questions come from your friends, your family, your parents, your friend’s parents, even your coworkers…there isn’t a question. You will get married. If I even use the phrase, “if I ever get married”…I’m usually corrected by someone with a “when you get married.” Have I set the scene enough for you? I mean I could go on for hours to illustrate it better but I think you get it. There is so much emphasis on getting married and not nearly enough emphasis on it being to the right person.

I used to be so scared to turn 30 and not be married. That is the very worst thing that could ever happen to you if you ran in the circles I did, in the town I did, in the mindset of the people in my town. There is no one cheering you on to keep your standards high or to wait for what you deserve. You’ll hear a lot more you’re expecting too much or maybe you should just settle…you’re past your prime. There will be a lot more thoughts that there must be something wrong with you that you haven’t been chosen like everyone else has. You’ll have people offer “to help you” find a husband and offer advice in a very condescending way. I used to be really sad about being single. I used to think I missed it. I used to feel this void in my life that I didn’t have a significant other. I used to think there was something wrong with me.

This sounds crazy but I just didn’t know anyone who didn’t go to college, meet their person and then get married. That’s how the story goes. That’s what everyone did…I don’t think I even knew there was another path. 

molly InclÁn

The thing is the fear of turning 30 and being single was far worse than the actuality of it. Sometime in my thirtieth year, I heard someone talk about the grief that coincides with getting older and having unfulfilled dreams. That was it. As the years ticked by I was saying goodbye to some of the dreams I had as a teenager that I would get married young, that we would live in a cute little apartment because we would be young and have to save for a house together, that I would have years to spend traveling and making memories with my husband before kids, that I wouldn’t be rushed to have kids, that I would have time to have as many kids as I wanted, that I would be a “young” fun mom. There’s a lot of grief that you encounter when your dreams don’t happen on your own schedule but at the same time you hold on hope to parts of the dreams and you continue to push forward in the story you’re living. Someone recommended to me a book on grief. I bought it…I started reading it and I thought…that while the book was fine and traditional and full of lots of great knowledge it just didn’t feel like it was for me. So I hit a quick Google and I ran across the book Option B by Sheryl Sandberg. You’ve probably heard her name before…she’s the woman who wrote Lean In, the book about women and careers and shared parenting responsibilities and a lot of other really great revolutionary ideas that made her book really, really popular. 

She talks about her husband, Dave, a lot in that book but what you may not know is he later tragically died on vacation from a heart condition when he went to work out. Her book, Option B, is a story of her grief and how she navigated it and honestly it’s a really great read whether or not you’re encountering grief. You don’t have to get very far in the book before you encounter a remarkable line that changed my life. On page 13 it says: 

“Just weeks after losing Dave, I was talking to Phil about a father-child activity. We came up with a plan for someone to fill in for Dave. I cried to Phil, “But I want Dave.” He put his arm around me and said, ‘Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out of Option B.'” 1

And on the day that I read that line, my mindset shifted and this line was added to the list of mantras I live my life by. We all wish we got Option A…my Option A was getting married in my mid-twenties to a really great guy and living happily ever after but I didn’t and your Option A may have been not getting divorced, not losing a spouse, not losing a child, being able to have a child, having more children than you were able to, not losing a parent, getting the job, making it to the big leagues, passing the Bar exam, receiving the acceptance letter to med school and the list goes on. We all have something in life we pictured differently, something that didn’t turn out quite like we planned and whatever that thing is we have to reclaim it. So my life is Option B and if you know me, you know I’ll kick the shit out of any opportunity that comes my way…so since that day I reframed my entire life and I aim to “kick the shit out of Option B”2 every single day. I’ve done it, I’ve taken it to the extreme and honestly I created a life that I love so much that getting married just isn’t going to do it for me. At 25, I think getting married and having kids would have been enough for me but it isn’t now. I spent my 20’s compromising a lot of things I wanted for people who didn’t compromise much or at all for me. You see I discovered in Boston there are women that don’t have to choose between their dreams and their partners because they have both. I’m holding out for a love like that. It exists. I was never asking for too much. I was just asking the wrong people.

It is when you embrace Option B in all its glory that you are released from the grip of Option A.

MOLLY INCLÁn

So every single day, every decision that comes my way….I ask myself how I’m going to make the very most of this single life I’ve been given? I focus on creating the life I want if I never get married. I take note of all the things I can do because I’m single and I take joy in them. When it hits Christmas season, I don’t have to buy anyone or their entire family gifts…so instead I buy myself something nice. I don’t have to compromise on the color of my bedspread. It’s pink. It’s all pink. There are pink lamps and towels and rugs. No one ever forgets to put the toilet seat down at my house or leaves crumbs on the counter or all the other things married women complain about their husbands. I can do anything. I don’t have to consult a significant other for anything. I have more than enough closet space and don’t have to share. I can stay out as late as I want. I don’t have to worry about fitting someone else into my busy schedule. I’m constantly asking myself what makes me happy and doing it. I wasted my entire 20’s waiting on marriage, compromising my career, where I wanted to live and all the places I wanted to travel and all the decisions I made under the storyline of marriage. I’m not doing it anymore. I’m doing all the things. I’m making all the memories. I’m enjoying all the laughs and the adventures. I found friends that are AH-MAZ-INGGGG and the void I felt…it’s gone.

I’m not against relationships…I really hope I find one but I care more about finding the right match than getting married and having kids and I’m not going to sit around waiting on it. Life is too precious to be wishing I had a different life. I have a very, very beautiful life and the right person will walk into it at the right time and that’s above my pay grade so I don’t worry about it anymore. I don’t spend time looking for it. It’s not even on my vision board this year. If it’s meant to happen, it will.

If you’re married and you’re reading this….I know there are so many great, amazing things that come with marriage and partners and children and I’m not discounting any of that. There are trade-offs in life and no matter what side of the equation you’re on I think you have to look for goodness. There is so much goodness in your life no one’s saying there isn’t but I am saying there is goodness in being single too and we have to stop acting like single people don’t count.

If I had it to do over again, I would wish for a life a lot like mine and all I wish is that I spent all my 20’s like I spend my 30’s living my life wide open, not counting on marriage, not letting everyone else’s pressure to get married influence what I want. I would have spent a lot less time thinking other people’s behavior towards me was about me when it was totally about them. I would have started standing firm in who I am a lot sooner. I would have started holding boundaries a lot firmer. I wouldn’t have been afraid to express my opinion a lot louder and most of all I wouldn’t have let the fear of ending up single keep me in relationships far after their expiration date. My person is coming…I hope…and even if he arrives some of my dreams have still been lost…but if he never arrives I will know that I lived Option B to the fullest. It is when you embrace Option B in all its glory that you are released from the grip that Option A has on you.

I hope whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever your situation. I hope you start looking for the goodness. I hope you reframe the things you don’t have into the things you do have and I hope you as Phil Deutch said it, “Kick the shit out of Option B”3.

Citations

1 Sandberg, Sheryl, and Adam M. Grant. Essay. In Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy, 13. WH Allen, an imprint of Ebury Publishing, 2019. 

2 Sandberg and Grant. Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy, 13.

3 Sandberg and Grant. Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy, 13.