This is Part 2 of a Series….to read Part 1 click here…Part 3 coming soon.
On the week of this date, I matched with a guy who was traveling through town on the way to a work conference. The dating app conversation was short and to the point. He would be traveling back through the following weekend and asked if I’d like to get drinks on his way back through. I said yes and then I heard nothing from him and I didn’t give it a second thought. He lived very far away…almost 7 hours away…and so in my mind it really didn’t matter. I was just going on dates for fun. I was going on dates on nights when I didn’t have something better to do. The eve before the day he was coming through town he texted to confirm that I was still open to meeting up. It’s the small things I’ve learned to listen to. There are a tremendous number of things that in fact don’t really matter when it comes to dating. There are small things that we like to read into and try to find meaning in that don’t mean anything…but there are things that are good indicators of whether this is going to be a good date and confirming a date is one of them.
I’ve learned over the years that consistency is a top-notch indicator of character and character is what matters. I’ve learned that men who make reservations and who confirm dates are green flags and men who don’t just honestly don’t care too much…and I never want to be with someone who doesn’t care too much. I want someone who cares too much…because people who care too much are people who love you the right way. If you’re married and you’ve been out of the dating pool too long you’re thinking this is common sense….of course you want effort and people who care…but as you get older and people get jaded…the dating pool is infested with people who don’t want to care too much…it is full of people who are indifferent. There is an epidemic of indifference in dating these days and that is what your single friends are up against….a sea of people who are indifferent to some of the best people I know and it hurts them…and it hurts their friends…and it hurts seeing people you love not finding love but finding people who just don’t care instead.
I remember this like it was yesterday…I woke up to a text and he told me he would text me when he was leaving the city of his conference after he grabbed lunch with friends and would head my way. I was strolling through Target on the beauty aisle and it was the afternoon and he still hadn’t texted. At other times in my life, I wouldn’t reach out to ask if we were still on because I thought that gave off vibes of neediness and desperation but I’ve invested in myself over the years and because of that I just really don’t care anymore. I didn’t care if we were going to drinks or not…I only cared that if we weren’t grabbing drinks…I had other plans for my evening. I texted and he replied he still hadn’t left the city and so I replied with something that was meant to be a no worries…catch you later…moving on…but he didn’t take it like that at all and he replied would 7:30pm work.
…but as you get older and people get jaded…the dating pool is infested with people who don’t want to care too much…it is full of people who are indifferent.
The day before I showed someone his profile while standing in their kitchen and I said…He lives 7 hours away and there’s really no point to this but his profile is like the kind of guy that I would want to date. And I just really deserve to go out with a great guy even if it’s never going to amount to anything. I deserve this even if it’s only for a few hours.
I left my house that night, wearing my favorite little red dress and gray slip on tennis shoes and my new distressed denim jacket. I left my house for a fun evening. He met me in the town I live in even though he was spending the night in another town…another green flag…guys who don’t expect you to drive to them. When I got there, we ended up on the phone trying to find each other and when I was walking up to him on the sidewalk I thought to myself “Dang, he is even cuter than he looked.” He was tall, he had on a polo with a golf-style pullover and a big smile on his face. He asked where we should go and I suggested my go-to nice-ish spot downtown. We walked in and the wait was 2 hours so we left. I asked him if he was down to get the full authentic townie experience and he was…so I took him to the local bar.
That night I was 150% my authentic self because this date didn’t matter. There was no future here. I don’t want to share all the details because this is my story and I don’t want to give it all away..I want to keep it for myself but I want to share a small part. I love to ask crazy questions especially when I don’t care where something is going. I find it fun and entertaining. We got on the conversation of tattoos and neither of us had any. I said I think tattoos are cool but I’m the most indecisive person ever when it comes to things that ultimately don’t matter and I can’t think of something I’m confident I’d want on my skin forever. I do have an idea of what I’d get if I were to get one…so I asked him if he were to get a tattoo what would it be. When he replied, it took my breath away. The tattoo I want is very specific and unusual. It’s definitely not anything I’ve ever heard anyone else say. When he replied to my question…his answer was exactly the tattoo that I’d get if I were to get a tattoo. I’ve told a few people this story and what the tattoo is and they’ve exclaimed that’s so crazy that you both picked that it’s such an unusual choice of a tattoo…but I can’t share what it is here because that gives the entire internet the cheat code to my heart.
The entire night was crazy with so many similar interests. He mentioned something about a personality test I love and he asked which one I was and he knew…he knew all the things about what that meant. His was similar but different. He wasn’t trying to make up things like he knew…he knew the things better than me. It was wild…the whole conversation was. The whole night was. I was so myself that I regretted it when the night ended. I went to the restroom on the way out and when I was washing my hands at the sink I thought to myself…”Oh man, I think I really like this guy and I was too much myself. I should have reeled it back. I shouldn’t have let it all come out. I should have been more mysterious and played it more coy. I should have been quieter and smaller and less myself. I shouldn’t have given my hot takes and been as bold and blunt.”
It caught me by surprise and when he pulled back…he said, “I’ll see you soon. We are going to figure this out!”… and he walked off into the dark night.
If I had abided by my original filters for dating, I’d never have met him. There are 4+ filters that would have guaranteed we never would have matched. I would have filtered out someone really great, which date as you see fit, but all the lists and all the filters might be what’s keeping you from meeting great people. I walked outside and he walked me to my car. He made a joke about if I was trying to end up on a Dateline show because I parked in a poorly lit parking lot. I told him I’m sure my mother really appreciates you walking me to my car..she says thanks. Guys who walk girls to cars..another green flag.
I didn’t give a thought to where this would go or if he would want to see me again. This was a date and that was all. One night and dinner and then I’d never see him again. He probably didn’t like me after-all. There wasn’t a thought that crossed my mind about how this date would end. We didn’t talk for long and I went to hug him goodbye and he went right in for the kiss. It caught me by surprise and when he pulled back…he said, “I’ll see you soon. We are going to figure this out!”… and he walked off into the dark night.
Later that night, we traded texts back and forth. I remember he sent one that said something like…whatever tonight was is exactly what I’m looking for. I texted my best friend. She screenshotted the text….in case she ever needed it for…a toast. (Dying laughing…I love my friends and the endless hope they have for my happily ever after.) The next morning I woke up and I knew that he was heading out of town that day back home. I wished I could see him again but I didn’t want to seem too eager. I received a text that morning asking me if he could convince me to meet him for brunch before he had to leave. It didn’t take much convincing and I met him for brunch. And that started a 7 hour long distance relationship…