This picture as you can see is from 14 years ago. It’s after an ultimate frisbee game that took place a few weeks after I transferred colleges. Our friendships were fresh and new and likely at this point we were probably more acquaintances. We showed up to play a game to meet new people and it started raining and we could have called it quits and probably should have but instead we decided to embrace the circumstances and make the most of it. Covered in mud, with smiles on our faces, it serves as a funny memory and it’s a great reminder that we can find joy in the mud.
Lately, the question “What’s next?” seems to be the thing that every person is asking me from my dentist to an old boss to the random person standing in line next to me and the truth is your guess is as good as mine. I’ve been having lots of conversations with people around me about where my life is right now. I’m sitting in transition waiting for the right thing to show up. Some people won’t understand that, some people will ask why I’m not jumping on the first job opportunity that comes by and it’s because I know what’s right for me. It took a long time for me to have clarity in what’s right for me and the confidence to stand by knowing. It’s being true to myself regardless of the people around me and the pressure put on me.
Through these conversations I’ve realized a lot of my friends are in the same situations. They know there is a purpose for where they are but they just haven’t found it yet. Just like I know this time is deliberate and intentional. There is purpose for why I’m sitting in transition longer than I’d like. One of my friends said someone asked her, “Well do you think it was a mistake to leave the old thing for the new?” She said, “No, I know leaving the old was the right thing, I’m just not sure what my purpose is in this new situation.” I think that’s where a lot of us are, looking for purpose in our situation and I know my purpose will show up. It will become apparent, my job is to wait, it is to wait for it to become clear.
When I was leaving Boston, one of my best friends said to me, “Your life right now is a Polaroid picture, you can see some of the things in the picture but most of it is still blurry. It will become clear with time.” First off, Wow! What a great metaphor and secondly, I started crying in a coffee shop in that moment because my whole life I’ve looked for people who speak my language and she does. She speaks my language of deep metaphors and meaning in life figuratively while in fact her native language is not my same native language. There’s something really beautiful about that and ironic that I’ve searched my whole life for people who get me and some of the ones that get me the most grew up on different continents. How cool…and how important to know sometimes you literally have to go to the ends of the Earth to find your people…know they’re out there, they just might not exist in your neighborhood. So I encourage you to keep searching and don’t lose heart.
Your life right now is a Polaroid picture, you can see some of the things in the picture but most of it is still blurry. It will become clear with time.
a very wise friend
I carry the words of my friends with me as great reminders to keep the faith. When I was talking to my best friend, I said I’m just really not sure what to do right now while I wait. She said, “I think you follow your own blog advice. I think you keep putting one foot in front of the other.” That got me thinking…as the words of really good friends should. She’s right but I think putting one foot in front of the other is a given for me. It’s a habit, it’s second-nature. It’s something I’ll definitely do but it spurred the answer for me. The answer is to lean in. I think in seasons of transition we are inclined to lean back to pull away. I’m inclined to feel a little paralyzed because I’m not ready to head in any direction with full force. I’m inclined to sit in the unknown until it becomes known and I think that’s okay and it’s part of my process. But I think while all those things can be true…these days and weeks and possibly months can very easily turn into a large chunk of my life…and while many parts of my life feel like I hit the pause button until l know what direction I’m heading…I need to make the very most of this time of transition. I need to scrape the barrel dry with all that this time of transition has for me.
One of my favorite authors, Hannah Brencher, has a phrase she uses, “Be where your feet are.” It’s another one of those mantras I carry with me through life. It’s what made my summer in Boston the absolute best. I didn’t want to grieve leaving Boston while I was there. I didn’t want to ruin the good times with the sadness that they were coming to an end. So I leaned in hard to “Be where your feet are” in those months. I lived in the moment and the today and the present instead of the future. What a powerful thing to do and I did it. I think it’s a lot easier to lean into fun times and good things like that and a lot harder to lean into less ideal circumstances. My life by no means is bad right now, it’s just uncertain in every sense of the word. Every inch of my life is uncertain right now.
So what do you do? What do you do when you don’t know why you’re where you are? When you don’t know what you’re supposed to be doing? When you know the answer is coming and you just have to be patient? You lean in. You embrace where you are. You “Be where your feet are”. So I started working on getting my CPE hours for my professional certification because no matter what that needs to get done. I took a bartending course because I think it would be fun to be a bartender, it would give me a reason to get out of my house, give me some sense of a schedule and structure and give me some socialization and an avenue to meet people. I joined a boxing gym because I signed up for a boxing class in grad school and turns out it’s really healthy for me to punch things (insert laughing emoji) and it’s really fun and it’s helping me meet new people and it’s good for my health. I started thinking about the things I love about Boston and the people I love in Boston and I pinpointed for myself what type of people I want to be meeting. Entrepreneurs. Those are my type of people. So I decided I needed to try to put myself around the type of people I’m looking for. So I followed some LinkedIn groups in the area and a post showed up that a guy had written about one of those organizations. So I sent him a message asking how to get involved.
Lean in, the answer is found in the mud of life and you can’t find it if you’re afraid to get dirty.
Molly inclÁn
Notice none of these things are framed in results because I don’t have power over the results. They are framed around the things that I know I need to find happiness. They are framed around what I have power over. Sitting at home doing nothing is the antithesis of happiness for me. So I looked for ways to fill my schedule with constructive things that would provide me fitness, intellectual stimulation, new skills, structure, social interaction etc. These things are getting me through transition and if I stay here they may be things I continue to do but they don’t feel like locking myself into anything. They don’t feel like settling into a life here when I’m not sure that’s the answer. These are temporary things getting me through right now.
I started doing the things that are in my control when mostly everything is out of my control. I pick to show up to boxing, I pick to make the best of my situation, I pick to clean my room, I pick to push forward with this blog, I pick to take vitamins and drink water and be a healthier person. I lean into where I am instead of pulling back. I’m still in transition. I’m still not laying down the roots. I’m not reconnecting with friends. I’m not settling in. I am leaning into transition. I am waiting on the answer. I am doing the things everyday that I can control. I am building a better me. I am taking my space. I am taking my time. I am choosing myself.
I choose a word of the year, every year and this year I chose “commit”. I am choosing to commit to places and things and people this year…and as soon as I know what my next step is even if it is staying here, I will commit with full force. I will lay those roots, I will reconnect with my people, I will build my life upon a rock solid foundation but until then I will sit in the transition and do the work that is meant to be done here. I’ve never been good at going halfsies on anything. I’m all in or I’m all out. I cannot halfsies put down roots or be in friendships or live a life. It’s not something I desire. Instead I will commit to this time of transition. I will go all in on not knowing the answer but knowing it will come somewhere in between boxing and cleaning and drinking water. These are tiny ripples that will grow bigger. They will illicit change. They will somehow uncover the answer. These things are an exercise of discipline for me. My intuition is strong and I’ve learned to trust it. This time is instrumental for whatever is coming. The harder I lean into the things laid before me, the less power the uncertainty has over me. It is a battle of wills. These rhythms are like a sanctuary for me. God would not bring me here if he didn’t have great purpose. Every day I show up and lean into what he has for me is a powerful sermon and testament of the faith I have in what’s coming.
I will find purpose in the day. In the season. In the uncertainty. And I will come out better for it. That’s it. That’s the answer. Lean in, the answer is found in the mud of life and you can’t find it if you’re afraid to get dirty.