I wrote this a long time ago and I let it sit…I’ve almost posted this a lot of times…sometimes I find that I need these things to sit for long enough that they don’t feel personal and they don’t feel as vulnerable and they feel a lot like a historical account of the things I’ve lived. Writing about dating and singleness is hard. It requires me to open myself up to the possibility of judgement from the internet.
I’m used to doing hard things. I’m used to being brave and being strong. I’ve even gotten used to being vulnerable because vulnerability also feels strong to me. I still feel anxious before I release my words to the world but I think I am called to authenticity and authenticity doesn’t come without vulnerability and fear and the rawest of human emotions…I think those things are beauty. I think the realest struggles and the heart to keep believing and the strength it takes to keep hoping…I think it is the beauty of life. I hope when you read my story…I hope you see the beauty that comes from the ashes.
I have no idea what’s about to spill onto the pages here but it’s 9:59pm on a Monday. A Monday where I did all the things, the work, the grocery shopping, the working out and the eating dinner at home. A Monday where I snuck in a little Moe’s Monday…IYKYK…am I right? I’m not going to catch you up on my entire year in a post but I feel like we need some back story to get to here.
When I started asking for what I deserved, really amazing things happened and maybe it’s not really about the men of Boston but what happens when you become confident in your value and your worth.
I wrote a post over a year ago. I wrote a post about dating. Dating is exhausting in this day and age. It definitely isn’t for the faint of heart. Over the years I’ve gone on a lot of dates. I feel like it’s either an impressive number that shows great tenacity or an embarrassing number that I could convince myself that eventually someone would work out. Some dates were from people “in the wild” as they say but the majority were off of dating apps (I suppose that’s the way of the world now). I definitely did go on a few good dates off of dating apps but for the majority it really felt like a waste of time. I always just compare it to…if I went out and picked a random person off the street and made you go to dinner with them…how likely is it that that person will end up being your best friend….unlikely right…but possible. That’s sorta how dating apps work. I’ve learned it’s best to go in with no expectations.
I wrote this post on the eve of another dating app date. I never, ever thought I’d reach that many dates before I found a relationship. It was a great post…a post about how much I’d grown as a person over the last several years of dating. It was a post about how over time I shifted from being someone desperate to find my person and run down the aisle to a person who isn’t sure the aisle is even something I want. It was a story about how I stopped looking at dates as a means to an end and I started realizing that I may never find my person and I might as well enjoy the process. I started looking for what I could learn from dating and dates instead of grasping tightly to the outcome. It was a post about how I wish we got little badges like you do on your Apple Watch for dating…instead of you’ve hit your stand goal 3 times this week…it should say you’ve put yourself out there 15 times this year (go you!) or you’ve been stood up 1 time (they suck)…I’m joking but really…where are the badges and accolades. It is an exhausting journey and I just want credit for the tenacity and perseverance and the amount of willpower it takes to keep believing and to keep putting yourself out there again and again without any indication that this story is ever going to turn out like we hoped.
I haven’t been a person with a list in over a decade because one time I dated someone and they checked every box on my list and they weren’t it…and that’s when I realized lists are worthless and not good indicators of “your person”. I did have some specifications though of who I’d like to date. Nothing too extreme…just the normal filters on a dating app…prior to dating apps existing. Over the last few years, I started gradually moving outside my criteria and in the last year and a half I threw the criteria out the window. I’ve never dated a broader spectrum of men in my life. I figured that whatever I thought was my match….wasn’t working out…so maybe all those filters were filtering out whatever is a good match for me.
…you never realize how damaging letting yourself believe you deserve less than really is until you stop doing it. You are sending a message to yourself every time you engage with someone who isn’t giving you what you deserve.
Some of my dates solidified my prior criteria and some of my dates convinced me that perhaps I was all wrong. My dates challenged my preconceived notions. They taught me so much about communication and boundaries and how to date. My year in Boston was truly a transformative experience that encouraged me to be bold and confident. The fact I was in a large city took away the scarcity complex that exists when you live in a smaller town. I got a little more confident and a little more bold and I started to test what would happen if I actually set a boundary with someone because I wasn’t worried I would end up alone. When I started asking for what I deserved, really amazing things happened and maybe it’s not really about the men of Boston but what happens when you become confident in your value and your worth. The men in Boston made reservations and walked me home or waited until my train arrived or drove an hour out of their way to pick me up. They always treated me with the utmost respect and because of them I became much more confident in the “high standards” that others constantly told me “was too much”.
I hate dating quote cliches…I’ve heard them all and most of them are really, really dumb. The one I can’t argue with though is…”You date who you think you deserve.” Over the years I worked really, really hard and prayed a lot that I would one day be the type of person that was okay with being single…that didn’t feel less than or like something was missing…and I’m not sure when it happened but it did…that’s when dating truly changed for me. When you stop comparing a man to other men and start comparing him to a really full life you really stop investing and wasting your time on people because you’re too afraid to be alone. It frees you up to invest in yourself and build your life and you never realize how damaging letting yourself believe you deserve less than really is until you stop doing it. You are sending a message to yourself every time you engage with someone who isn’t giving you what you deserve.
I changed…I changed over the years…I changed through the dates. The person I was even two years ago is not who I am today. I am thankful for all the dates. I am thankful for all the people I met along the way. I am thankful for the journey…and I wrote about this…I wrote about this all on the eve of what just seemed like would be another run of the mill online dating date. I wrote about how much fun I was having on the journey. I wrote about how I just really was digging into the process and learning about myself and so very content and so very happy just going on lots and lots of dates, meeting new people, trying new restaurants, ax throwing and golfing and all the fun date things. I wrote that I didn’t believe online dating really worked but I thought it could teach me something about myself and about dating. I wrote it all…in anticipation of posting it the following week.
To Be Continued…