The Art of a Good Set Up

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I think we’ve all heard stories of people marrying someone their friends set them up with. I mean who better to set you up than someone who knows you but as you reach your late twenties/early thirties the people around you start panicking. Sometimes I think my singleness makes other people feel more uncomfortable than it does me. I know they’re trying to help. I know they have good intentions but rarely does anyone even ask what I’m looking for or if I’m even looking. I think a lot of other people see the fact I’m single as there is a missing cast member in my life. They just want someone to be there, anyone really. And that’s exactly how most people try to set their friends up…looking for anyone really.

A lot of people try to set me up and I listen to the why behind the set up. If the why isn’t good then I decline. You see when you’re one of the last single people left, the only criteria most people consider is “well you’re both single”. As if single, is a common personality trait we both share (insert laughing emoji). Oftentimes they’ll also list out all the things that we actually aren’t compatible on as a list of things I’ll have to settle on. They’ll say things like…well he’s still hung up on this girl from his past but…or you’ll have to live with his entire family but…or he’ll expect you to be a stay at home mom but…or he lives across the country in a random town you’d hate but…they’ll even cross over extreme deal breakers and add an I’m sure you can make it work but. 

This is not how you set up people for a successful relationship. I have three sets of friends that I set up or played a big part in their story. They’ve all been married over 7 years, they all have children, they’ve all undertaken a big move and they all at least from what I can tell are happy together so I would call these successful setups.

I’m not a psychologist or relationship coach or counselor or any type of professional you should take love advice from. These are just my tips and tricks to increase the likelihood that a set up turns into a long term relationship.

1, You cannot create a set up on demand…matches must come to you.

I have a friend who asked me years ago to set him up and I told him I can’t…that’s not how it works. You see the first time I set someone up, the idea popped into my head on a long drive in the car by myself. That’s where a lot of grand ideas come from for me. At that moment I started thinking of all the similarities these people had in common and a light bulb went off that this could really work! You can’t set out to invent a match that doesn’t exist. Don’t worry my said friend found his person and I didn’t know her…so I never could have set them up anyways.

2. They need to have fundamental similarities and be a good match.

What do I mean by similarities, for starters I know that one of my friends is Christian but she also aligns strongly with her denomination which is Presbyterian and her husband…well he also grew up Presbyterian. I know my friend loves country music and wearing cowboy boots and she would never want to live in the heart of a city. Her essence is what country music videos are made of. If you watch a country music video with the hunting dogs and pick up trucks and the wide open land and a house full of kids…you can get a glimpse of my friend’s vibe. Her husband always drove a pickup truck and is super handy and can fix almost anything. He would never want to live in a big city and he too wanted a big family. 

This isn’t about religion or big cities or small towns or big families or small families…there isn’t a wrong way and a right way. You just need to take into account what’s important to a person and how strongly they feel about it and try to find someone who meets some of the top things on their “wish list” for a partner. 

3. Their dreams need to be compatible.

My friend’s dream was always to be a mom. She’s so thoughtful about it all. One day on the phone I asked her what she was doing and she was trying to organize the kitchen and she said it’s taking me forever to decide where I want things to be because that’s how my kids will always think a kitchen should be laid out…this was before she even had kids. My friend’s purpose is found in motherhood and not a corporate job. 

Her husband is in the military which is his dream. People in the military tend to move frequently and don’t have much say over where they land which makes it very hard for the spouse to have a traditional career. This is like a puzzle and it’s fitting together perfectly. If someone is in the military they need a wife who can be very independent and can handle being away from home. My friend is very feminine and has a kind heart but she definitely is independent. She went to college a good number of hours from home so while she was very close with her family she rarely went home throughout the year. I knew she would be perfect for the military lifestyle. She’s strong and supportive and a wonderful mother to her kids. I honestly don’t know how she does it all when her husband is away for training. I never hear her complain or make a negative comment about the hours he has to work. She loves him and she loves our country and he loves her and works really hard to provide the life they have. What they want for life, what their vision is for life, it is compatible. They’ve built a very beautiful life with some very cute kids. They’re a great team and their families are great supporters of their lifestyle too flying out to help with kids and when babies are being born, etc.

Lastly, I could really “see” them together. Both based on physical traits and personality ones. They just go together. I knew them both very well. I knew they both had good hearts. This is the basis of a good set up. All the ways these two people fit together and I haven’t even listed out their similar interests but those exist also. 

4. You don’t get to throw them a number and run. 

So now that you’ve come up with two people that you think could be a good match your job isn’t done. That’s another thing a lot of people do when trying to set people up. They try to give one person the number and think it’s going to take off. That’s not how it works. These friends were across the country from each other so an in person meeting wasn’t possible until months into the relationship but for the other two cases it was. I used to play trivia a lot, almost every Tuesday night which is a good avenue to start a set up. I invite two people to a group setting. I tell both of them there’s a person I want them to meet. They both know the premise is to see if they like each other but I’m also there to facilitate the connection. I separately tell them some of their similarities and common interests to give them things to talk about. It’s less awkward for them because I haven’t left them to meet a stranger for dinner and left it on them to come up with good conversation. Hanging out with a group allows each person to feel more comfortable and survey their interest and after the fact they often let me know if they’re interested. The stakes are much lower and there isn’t a huge fear of rejection. If they aren’t interested, the idea fades into the distance and no one gets hurt.

If they’re both interested, I give the guy the go ahead to ask the girl on a date. I’m totally behind the scenes coaching the guy the whole time. “She likes you but you have to calm down and stop texting her a million times.” “You need to step up and ask her on a date, she likes someone direct.” In dating there’s a lot of guessing especially if you’re dating someone you weren’t previously friends with. It’s really silly actually but we can totally disqualify someone based on them texting too much or not enough or them being afraid of rejection or both people like each other but are afraid to put themselves out there. Relationships can be like riding a bike and the first part sometimes looks like a kid who just took their training wheels off. There’s excitement, fear of failure, maybe nervousness and anxiety because of the last time we fell off the bike and really hurt ourselves. So for the first part I’ll be the dad holding onto the bike as you pedal and as soon as you get momentum I let go and you’re on your own. 

This is the art of a good set up. There are not only commonalities between the two people. They are compatible. No deal breakers have been broken. No one is settling. I don’t have to ask anyone to lower their standards because who I’m presenting to them is a catch. I’m not convincing anyone to give someone that’s totally not it a chance.

So married friends, if you want to help a single friend out this is how you do it. Maybe have the conversation with your friend and ask them if they’re looking for someone and what they think that someone looks like for themself. What qualities are important to them? What are their dealbreakers? And is this person in a good place for a relationship? Timing is everything as they say. 

Recently, I’ve had people say to me, “I would love to set you up but I don’t know anyone that I think would be a good match for you.” At first I found that disappointing but now I find that refreshing. Thank you for not compromising on my standards. Thank you for respecting me enough to not try to throw me into a relationship with that guy that just can’t ever grow up. Thank you for being intentional. We aren’t looking for a new cast member here. We are looking for someone who brings out the best in us, who adds to our life and we are not into putting ourselves through messy dating situations that’ll never work out because we’re tired of being alone. I no longer surround myself with people who encourage me to settle…we don’t have room for that here…we only have room for people who support us and lift us up…people who align with our vision.